Girls’ tangles, wrangles, fall outs and freakouts…

Navigating the conundrums and complexities of your daughter’s loves and loathings is probably some of your household’s most testing and tiresome times. When girls fall out, it can be a complex and emotionally charged experience for all involved. Trying to follow the narrative, understand the nuances and accept the apparent fickleness of allegiances is, at best, exhausting. However, to support your daughter effectively as she navigates the social perils, there are a few hidden secrets that you need to be privy to. First and foremost, every girl needs a friend. Every girl fears isolation profoundly. They have to have at least one girl in their class that they can call their friend. Nearly all the problems that girls have in their friendships stem from this one central truth. Their friendship brings kudos, security, sharing, agency, power and a strict code of behaviour. Oh, yes, there are rules, very strict explicit and implicit rules to be adhered to.

The explicit rules are those that are clear, taught and imposed by us – the parent, teacher or society at large. These are understood and everyone knows them. “Thou shalt not be mean, leave others out, gossip, call them names etc” in addition to “you must always be kind, let people play, be helpful at all times”. If any of these are broken, an adult will step in and someone will be in trouble. For this reason, these rules are not often the ones that are broken.

Ah, but the implicit rules, now these are the complex ones that only the girls themselves comprehend. They are undisclosed, nuanced and open to interpretation, as well as being age-sensitive. As an Infant, the unspoken rule will be that you can’t always be the leader of the line or be the one to make up the rules to the game. As a Junior, you don’t go off and play with someone other than your friend or always get to sit in the back of the bus. As a Senior, you ensure you engage on social-media platforms with the correct set of emojis, punctuation and acceptable profile.

The dominant, controlling or bossy girls will operate in the zone close to the threshold where breaking implicit rules tips over into the breaking of explicit ones. This is where the turbulence begins. It is significant. When there is discord or an unacceptable transaction, it feels like the end of their world. Parents become anxious and worried, teachers step in and frustrate the situation in their attempts to rescue it and negotiations turn to judgments and blame. But beware, just when we adults think we have eventually sorted it all out, imposing a further set of explicit rules, the very pair that fell out, to our confusion, unexpectedly become betrothed all over again. The mere mention of any untoward treatment from the ‘perpetrator’ is met with “I never said that about her” or “well, she didn’t really mean it, it wasn’t actually her”. Sigh, so where does this leave us adults in our attempts to support and protect our daughters?

It is important to focus on achieving a desirable and realistic outcome, whilst minimising risk, drama and trauma. Your control over how the situation will unfold is limited. Layers of investigation often obstruct reconciliation and adult intervention is not usually welcomed by the girls. When your daughter has been hurt, it is extremely painful for her and you, but your response is crucial. You are at risk of either overreacting or underreacting. Very often, your child just wants you to listen and not pass judgement or revert to ‘when I was at school’ stories.  We cannot assume wrongdoing or that our daughter doesn’t lie. Her perception is often, understandably, her personal, extremely magnified view and it is potentially distorted.

One common misconception is that conflicts among girls are trivial or insignificant. However, the reality is that these conflicts can have a significant impact on their emotional and mental health. Studies have shown that girls often internalise their emotions and may experience heightened levels of stress, anxiety and self-doubt during conflicts with peers. This can manifest in various ways, decreasing self-esteem, causing social withdrawal and, in extreme cases, physical health issues.

At St Margaret’s, we focus on building a culture of support and inclusivity, which is key to preventing conflicts among girls and promoting healthy relationships. We don’t avoid them at all times, but nevertheless create opportunities for girls to collaborate, celebrate each other’s strengths and build a sense of belonging within our school family. This serves to foster empathy, compassion and support. Our culture of respect, kindness and acceptance provides an environment where conflicts are less likely to occur and where girls feel empowered, valued and able to navigate challenges with confidence and resilience.

Ultimately, conflicts among girls are inevitable and are a natural part of social interactions, relationships and their development. However, by understanding the underlying dynamics, fostering open communication and promoting empathy and resilience, we can support your daughters in navigating conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. We strive to empower the girls to build strong, meaningful relationships and thrive while we offer both nurture and support.